Shining Wisdom: And it wasn’t even a CD-i game

I consider myself pretty tolerant when it comes to bad games. I’ll give just about anything a fair chance, and sometimes I’ll even like it. Why, even Tales of the Tempest didn’t faze me (not too much anyway). It takes a very special kind of bad to get my teeth grinding. Unfortunately, that kind of stuff happens too.

You know how JRPG July is a thing in some sites? I didn’t, but anyway, I thought I’d join the fun. Me being me, I couldn’t just choose one of those popular games everyone else will play. Final Fantasy 12 Remastered? Sorry, even a properly inverted camera won’t be enough to get me back into that borefest. Of course it had to be something old and obscure. Of course it had to be… Shining Wisdom!

Shining Wisdom, or How I learned that forgotten games are forgotten for a reason

A Megadrive game quickly converted onto the Saturn, this one is less of a strategy RPG or dungeon crawler, and more like a Zelda clone. That should be good news. It’s kinda hard to mess up a Zelda clone. Worst case scenario, it will just be boring. Right? Not so fast. I don’t know how Sega did it, but Shining Wisdom is the worst Zelda clone I’ve ever played, by far. I don’t know about the CD-i Zelda games, but I can’t imagine them being worse than this.

It starts like Chrono Trigger. It’s nothing like Chrono Trigger.

I could talk about what makes this game so terrible for hours on end, but let’s make it quicker and list what does work:

  • the cover art is not too bad, in a sort of anime-ish Castlevania way

Well, that’s it. Everything else is terrible. From controls, to hit detection, graphics and sound, even the music will make your ears bleed after a few seconds (and I have even higher tolerance for bad music than bad games). I wasn’t really following the story because the large areas without any sort of map functions suck the fun out of talking to NPCs immediately, especially in the castle, but what little I’ve seen seemed pretty uninteresting. The early 3D era character design is possibly even worse, coming from a time when a sphere on top of a cube could pass for a human torso.

Lifeless Puppets: The Movie: The Game

Some games might be bad, but almost everything leaves you at least something by the end. It could be a memory of the only good part of the game, maybe one memorable tune, or one interesting character.  Perhaps even the emotional load of a disappointing sequel, such as Mansion of Hidden Souls 2. I’m sorry to report that Shining Wisdom gives you absolutely nothing. It’s terrible all around, and I can’t find any redeeming quality whatsoever. As a Megadrive game, it could have perhaps been at least a technological showcase, but as a Saturn title, it fails even on that front. And since I had no expectations, it couldn’t even let me down.

I’m sorry, duck princess, I’ll never know how your story ends. And I don’t care to know.

A bad game that is just bad. There is nothing sadder in life. Not even Tales of the Tempest.

I suppose I should look for something else, but honestly, I’m probably just going to replay Quake 2. Why not, my JRPG July will be the “Jump and Run with Pistols and Guns” July.

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